Spoil yourself today

Give in, spoil your heart rotten
its not easier that way
Glares will eat you up sooner than you know
Confidence definitely will turn bleak ahead.

Give up on your set path
Derail that old train of thought
Don't wear the uniform today
Break the law, seed your motivation.

Give curtains a reason not to fall prior
Performances will still receive an applause
try a fight and feel its worth
there is always sunshine the day after.

Give credit not only to yourself
But to the universe who will help you too
Be the magician and walk the trail
Spoil your heart rotten and hold your grail.

A million lil pieces of glass poking through my chest
The fright that the uncertainty of loneliness causes
and then the thought of an invisible you.


All three enormous fears is what i feel together
it pains while i bleed a tear
and the numbness felt inside my head disturbs other thoughts.


Dare i let go of this emotion,
i don't control my heart
Patience is an easy task, all u need is ask.

The Rolling Stone

Some instances cause memories and some drive you right back to older ones. As I sit on my bed tonight, my gaze casually moves towards my grandfather’s portrait, which is hung right above the television set. I don’t remember the last time I sat and saw his face so attentively. Maybe it was Bob Dylan, who sings into my ear tonight that brings back memories of an old man who waited at the window of the ground floor apartment for me to come back home for lunch after school. Brown sweater, white shirt beneath, a white dhoti and a walking stick, that’s the image he maintained in my head.


Happy -simple man. Like the one's who woke up at 5, made their cup of tea, worked from 9-5, reached home , heard the radio ate their food and retired to bed. It wasn’t till his 80's that he depended on my granny to make him his cup of morning tea. After his morning bath, came out the thin comb, the one which tapers from one end to the other. Everyday prayer with sugar cubes as “Prasad” was his devotional deal with God. Time managed to the second, he attended to his activities.


Fights for the remote control and chasing me around the coffee table with a cane were his favourite activity, if he wasn’t playing cards with my grandmother. My love-hate relation with him, kept me emotionally very close to him. I still remember crying out to him every time I was upset with his daughter (my mother). His reply would never change. He always said, “it’s ok, don’t worry she says it for your own good". His advice never changed but that didn’t stop my routine of complaining to him.


During his last days, he wasn’t too good with memory. It troubled him that he often forgot names, had difficulty remembering where he left his walking stick. But that didn’t kill the spirit in the man to fight. He fought. Not just for the remote, he fought and managed to survive till the very end with all his breathing issues.
Ordinary man, ordinary life; but he still had it all. A comfortable life, a dedicated and loving wife, 3 dutiful children and 5 grandchildren. From all of it that he left behind, the most valuable asset that he left behind was a lesson. The showcase of the way he led his life and achieved what was important to him.
Looking at him and today looking back at his life I think to myself about what I do, the way I or any of my friends lead our lives. It’s the quality I question. Whether I can change any of it, do I truly want to? Whether that change will be comforting? I do not know. I guess the importance lies in identifying what we need. Is it the luxuries that cause the craving or is it simple happiness.


Bob says "The Answer my friend is blowing in wind; the answer is blowing in the wind".

Everybody's gonna learn sometime

I know I don’t need to keep saying this and also am quite sure that everyone experiences life being strange. It strangely gives u what you want, but rarely what u need.

Sure the difference is not always visible and yes sometimes there isn’t any. This one struck me while I was watching a Hindi comedy flick which didn’t needs my brains, so I let it wander.

I am a girl of marriageable age - or so my folks believe. Thanks to the various brainchild’s of some IT gurus, we have dime a dozen matrimonial websites available today. The story began a good year back. The discussion started over a cup of coffee and then a few evenings later a random meeting with a boy and his parents.

When i walked across the room and saw his disgusting fingernails my blood boiled. My dream sequence instead of seeing me running around clouds with him was one where i sat in a chair, with him sitting in front of me and me scrubbing his nails with a nail brush. Though the truth of the matter was that instead of me blushing, Mr. Dirty Nails sat starring at the floor.

Quite relieved I was when my parents came and announced that they didn’t think the guy was right for me. Though a premature one, but the guy sure gave me quite an insight into a married life I would be entering. Whilst I wanted someone who was sophisticated , charming, someone who spoke well, call it luck or fate, i got to know a few bachelors who were nice sure but dint have the right packaging-if you know what I mean.

And then this life saver Guru who my mom ran to in kerala gave my mom a run down on how since this isn’t the right time, wrong men would turn up. And how she should hold her gun and not fire guys at me.

This was the time when i did meet a lot of guys who were just like the ones I wanted. The ones who wore Armani, had Honda wheels and warm smiles. The best part is I met them on my own without my mom’s help. Was thrilled. Yeah life was fun at fancy dinner tables and got sum friends jealous with the flowers that used to turn up in office, however for some reason there was something that the chemistry lost out to.

This went on for a while until the thought occurred at the movie- in which the heroine falls for an absolute wimp. He had it what then struck to me is what I need. It wasn’t the flamboyance, it was character. It was the strength she got from him. The support and inspiration and freedom he gave her.

I needed a man to be supportive of the leaps I take, some dangerous enough for me to lose my job, some insisting on me spends months at home in a room. Belief and trust are two so strong words for me suddenly.

I believe life made me want those things to make me realize what I need. I’m grateful.

To the future

Try he said

It struck me hard

The three bold letters

Thee saw it why dint I?

My fingers tremble

To take the first step

Can I dare enough to make

An altering decision

I need to be a hero

But which one

The one who waits for the distress

Or should I be brave enough

I stand on the see saw

Not moving an inch

Right lies chaos confusion excitement

And the other comfort & sanity

And so it is

A standstill time

A non breathing one

A cowardly attempt.

No I want to move

I want to fly into skies unseen

Bathe in light experiences

Shall I, will I?

Will I ever learn?

Once again the sweet bloom of love
The grateful feeling of being understood
More than two skins with flesh
Souled mates standing with their reflection

Did i think of unity?
Think of the pleasant obvious next move?
Did i not feel the invisible warm shoulder?
Touch the comfort and smell the warmth?

Heaven i did, received it packed in tiny messages
Those which melt in your heart
Leaving tingling freshness in your head
Urging belief to hold its guard

Change crept in, stars not favoring the energy
Arguments, pinches of doubt, pain, guilt
All in turmoil cracked the former intensity
Pieces from the magnet started to erode

Goodbye bids thrown by our hurt lips
Along came another mortal
Glimpses of their heart exchange seen
My bleeding returned heart & two other establish & join.

Once more my sorrowful eye emerged
Looking back seeking the behind direction
Yelling "Come back, come back"
Hand held out, a wait yet again.

Two months before the rains

Black silence all around,
Not a drop, nor a sound
Emotion sittin deep inside
Brings a tear as big as a tide

Just when i began to drown,
Just when sadness was to step into town
Light ray, burnt its way through
Picture enlightening it quietly drew.

Saying goodbye is never easy,But ray sang a different song,
Now is just a moment,Tomorrow is where i belong
Know not I, we will meet
Expectation and optimism i will keep
For i found a precious pearl, And there's no better in this world.

Come back as fast and so slow
Cherish my memories and you should know,
The mud earns for the raindrop and so shall I
I hope everytime it rains, I don't cry.

Silver Bowl

Black shined the roads tarred,
Invisible flames burnt skins through
Anticipation did not trick light, red
Straight lines appeared on faces of sweat

Tattered clothes and mud was the attire
Incomplete without her accessories
Possessed was a bowl and a smile
No, not a glimpse of worries.

Magic of sunglasses played everywhere
Yet more powerful was her stare
Bare, she achieved every inch of the 90ft
More than bearable was the summer heat.

Cold slab, awaited in silence
She shared her meal of two morsels
Flower girl, her only guest
Brought her presents and flowers left.

At night she chose the best bed
With velvety black sheets,
Favourite time was time to dream
Often of whom she had seen.

Day bright and she was ready
Meetings scheduled, she couldn’t be late
Dusted her dress, watered her face
She left, to turn her bowl silver.

Existence

If there were truly a thing called “Destiny”, then it will happen.
That’s where the conversation ended. No Decision yet.
Forward seems many time clocks away and backwards laid sweat slay.

If there were truly a thing called “Sensibility”, then it didn’t exist.
Wisdom said no. The heart pumped to change that.
Words were trembling out with hurt with fear of being accepted.


If there were truly a thing called “Patience”, then it was running out.
Like sand slipped out of the clenched mind.
Feet were finding the path short-lived, stairway to heaven seen far.

If there were truly a thing called “Truth”, then it didn’t matter.
I love him unblemished. Will stay and live long.
No long did patience and sensibility bother, its destiny that’s going to keep us together.

And she flew away

High into the opening skies,
Going wind all the way.
Birds to follow her,
Flocked together with honey light ray.

Through the white meadow,
Past the barren field,
Into distant lands of happy waters,
Cold, covered with an icy shield.

Drops of melting chill,
Pieces floating away,
Thirsty Reindeer spotting a home,
By the river line, near the transparent tray.

Santa had come with her presents,
Sneaked it under the shiny tree,
Her eyes wanted to open,
To grab those joyous bundles of bumbling glee.

Her ride was to end,
Blanket to be moved,
“Claire”, the mom touched,
And Sleep gave way to the smile that showed.

Into arms she flew,
Again a different world,
Merry Christmas, was whispered,
And her little lip twirled.

Deep blue sea, Tomorrow,
Promised her dream god,
Truce was made between will & want,
Dancing she went, towards the brown & green rod.

Two-Minute “love”

He hugged her goodbye
Left without a number
Left her wanting more
She felt deceived.

It all started right
The journey, lasted long,
He asked questions “no sense”
He made the first move.

Awkward at her first answers
She tried hard not to seem moved.
But couldn’t hold long and gave in
They plunged into dialogue.

Her first lonely journey
He appeared the good guide
Gentle and confidant,
He had it perfect.

He complemented her feet
She seemed intrigued
They discussed it all,
Right from light to leaves.

The sun from nowhere came along
Thought still lingered on
Destination came closer
Both unknowingly tuned eager.

They heard the whistle
Waited till the last moment
The moment never came.
Bags picked up, made way for the door.

She captured every sound
A drop trickled off his temples
They talked merrily still
Till all boiled to slowly kill

He dropped her half way,
He got off too,
Hands shook and waived,
The car engine roared and…

He hugged her goodbye
Left without a number
Left her wanting more
She felt deceived.

Number One

“Yes papa…I’m coming” I would say as I would run from my study table to attend to his morning chores. It either was his socks, his wallet or his belt. There was always a call at 10 mins before 8.30a.m. That’s when he left for work.

Papa is a very strict man. For him having a daughter is like keeping jewellery in the bank locker. He was very careful in bringing me up. He wouldn’t let me out alone later than 9.If it ever happened that my tuitions left late, he would tell me to call and inform. In fact it a similar reason, some time back that he got me a phone, so that every minute of my time outside could be monitored.

I couldn’t figure whether it was he not trusting me or it was the happenings outside that troubled him, or both.

My patience ran out every time I heard of a friend throwing a party and every time I heard a friend describing how great a time she had “last” night.

There were times I wept and wet my pillow, asking god why he had to give me parents, who were so possessive. It tore me even more when I was considered responsible enough, to do homely chores but not responsible enough to stay out late.

Then one day there was notice put up. It was an announcement of a trek to a hill just outside the city. It was an overnight affair and as usual all my friends got talking about it. I didn’t bother. It wasn’t worth the entire process and pain just to hear the dark, evil word again.

It was the day before the trek, that my friend got the form and told me to give it a shot. My younger sister was also persistent that I shouldn’t give up hopes.

In the evening when papa entered, there were guests waiting to see him. The night moved as slowly as she could. Eventually after a drink papa settled down. After dinner, I walked up to him and placed the trek form and a pen in his lap.

Papa picked up the paper and read it completely. He read that I would have to be away the entire night with just one instructor and a few friends, he read that we had to assemble at the station at 12.45 in the night, he read that the form was meant to say that if any mishap took place it wouldn’t be the responsibility of the instructor. As the longest two minutes of my life passed, I stood as still as a candle. The form was given to Ma to read. She read it and gave it back to papa.

Neither did he say a word nor did he look at my face, all he did was sign.

I couldn’t believe it .He had finally let go. I didn’t utter a word, neither did he. He just walked past to his bedroom.

The next day as it was time to leave, I was all packed .Ma hugged and gave me my lunch. On the way, there was this instinct that I should call papa. I did and this time he asked all the details, each and every minute detail.

After I finished, there was a sense of excitement in me, which wasn’t there before. It slowly dawned on me how important his assent was to me. I wrote him an sms, in which I told him how much his permit meant to me. To which he replied, “ Beta, always remember, whatever I am, wherever I am, I will always love you and always want the best for you, you will be my no.1”

This blew me off completely. I didn’t want to go anymore. I noticed the scenery from the cab, seemed to blur. I immediately called up papa and told him I’m coming home and that I was really sorry to hurt him.

He calmed me down and said these words to me…these words, which I treasure till date. He said, “ My no.1 will do as she pleases. Go as far as you want, but there will always be a string to bring you back to me. And the string will be my love.”

With this, I confidently went to the station, enjoyed my time of freedom, and when I came back, I gave papa back his no.1.

I live for thee

“Ting ting ting ting” rang her bell as she walked. My Grandfather himself tied the bell around her tiny neck. I still remember the pride in his face as he saved the world’s most beautiful cat from the mulberry bush. She lay entangled there, looking as helpless as ever. She was as white as an angel, always acting as if she knew what’s coming. My grandpa lovingly called her “ Amminni kutty” and took care of her as if she were his own child. I think the loneliness, which had fiercely grown in him after grandma’s death vanished as quickly as Amminni kutty grew.

As the years passed she turned, whiter and full of life. She adored grandpa. He took pains to see that fresh fish was brought specially for her and fed her himself and in return she would rub herself against his feet as if trying to say, “ The meal was delicious. Thank you for the good time”.

It was fun to see her stride with so much pride .She truly defined the “Cat walk”, this is another reason that grandpa was reminded of grandma. When she came it was a signal that grandpa was coming .I don’t know how she always managed to read his thoughts as to where he was going.

Often the two were seen playing with each other around the mulberry bush, where they had their very first date. She soon became an inevitable part of our family as she made her way through all our hearts. It was either her undying devotion towards the house or her extreme affection that did the trick.

Time passed. Age caught up with my grandpa. He gave into many diseases and got bed-ridden soon. His coughs were no more a topic to make fun of. Apart from all us, Amminni kutty seemed disturbed as well; she could sense something very wrong. She was allowed to wander near grandpa’s bed and she did so all the time, sometimes even jumped onto the bed trying to cheer him up by rubbing her head against his arm. Nothing worked.

The air in the room stood still and the moaning though not loud, were heard everywhere. Grandpa’s body was placed between two white drapes. The day lasted forever. After the cremation, a garland was put around his smiling portrait.

It was after a day we realized that Amminni kutty wasn’t eating at all. However we let her be, since she too had lost her best friend. The next day there was an absurd killing silence in the house. There was no “ting ting” of the bell. We searched high and low but there was no sign of Amminni kutty. She had run away.

It was a gloomy afternoon of the next month, that Shiva, the neighbor’s son, walked in and along with him came the sound of the bell. We rushed out of our rooms, only to see Amminni kutty’s rock-still body, in Shiva’s hands. She had fought with hunger and hunger won the battle. He said he had found her lying so, in the only place we hadn’t searched for, the mulberry bush.

She had waited for grandpa there, hoping that he would come and play with her. He did. She had left all of us and her favorite fish bowl, just to be with him. She missed him too much. She had served him till his last and still hadn’t had enough of him.

I know deep inside that as I relate this story, the two of them are still playing with each other around the mulberry bush.

Highway

I wish I could build my highway to heaven,
No money, no charge, just deeds to get even,
Deeds above thousands, earned night and day,
Until the moment when you look up and say “you may”.

There’d be a lit up sky of rainbows and stars all the way,
All shiny and sparkling like yellow hay.
No scar-soul of a man would be allowed,
If one ever tried, he’d drown right through the cloud.

I wish this highway is made of sweetness and love so true,
Every passenger would fly through, around the sky blue.
Hats and ribbons would be tossed around,
Merriness and eagerness would fill the crowd.

The world forward would be full of surprises superb,
Bursting would be joy, too hard to curb.
By the end of the journey, there’d be new relatives and mates,
Together entering the ever beautiful, pearly gates….

Search

The only parting gift I get is a word, which happens to be so strong,
Inspite of all the clouds and stars which passed us by,
All u leave me with, is a word called goodbye.

I search long and low,
wide and slow,
Just to find the face with that glow,
The place to find him is all I wanna know.

For once I know where he is,
Run will I, to the shell of warmth in his arms ,
Then dare the tear waiting in my eye,roll down,
So what every time I look at the love bites,
thoughts of him keep going on.

Call it what you want,
I call it a craving,
A craving which may last a life long,
It doesn't matter a bit,
All I need is a clue,
as to where in the world are you.